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Columns September 21, 2010  RSS feed

Tales from WannaBea Farm

Joyce Stark Joyce Stark Judgment Day

“I’ve got to get over so I can turn right at the next corner,” Grandma grumbled, as she tried to maneuver through the heavy, bumper to bumper Heritage Day traffic. It looked like everybody in the state was in town today for all the incredible sales. “But Grandma, there’s a cop down there and he’s not letting anybody turn.” I warned her. From my seat on the passenger side I could plainly see what was happening, but Grandma insisted that she WAS going to make a right turn. Until the police officer explained that she was NOT going to turn right as the street was closed to traffic.

I huddled in my seat, waiting for the storm, because my grandmother hated to be told “no.” She seemed to take it as a personal challenge and she could get pretty nasty. Sure enough, she started to argue with him, calling him a “Nazi Reprobate”, and other names, determined to get her way and make her right turn.

“If you don’t move your car, I am going to ticket you,” the young officer told her, finally having lost his patience with her. “I need to see your driver’s license.”

“Well, you just go right ahead, ‘cause I’m NOT going to pay it,” she retorted, pulling her license out of her purse and handing it to him.

Looking at the license he asked, “How old are you?”

“Oh no”, I thought. And the explosion I knew was coming erupted. She did not tell anybody her age. That was a taboo subject. I doubt if my grandfather knew how old she was.

“It’s on my license, you idiot, can’t you read?” She snarled.

“I need you to tell me how old you are,” he repeated. That was a standard question the police asked while checking your license to see if your answer matched the license, but she didn’t care. She was furious by now, telling him it was none of his business, calling him names and getting more worked up, while I scrunched down in my seat, too embarrassed to even look at the officer.

Two weeks later I accompanied her to court where she was convinced that she would have her ticket dismissed because he did not have the right to keep her from making her right turn or to ask her age.

The police officer stood in front of the judge and explained what had happened; while I sat listening and wondering why I hadn’t noticed how good looking he was before. Then my grandmother stood and told her story, explaining that, “a gentleman does not ask a ladies age and a lady certainly isn’t going to tell. I don’t even tell my husband how old I am, it’s none of his business either. It’s NOBODY’S business but mine.”

The court room burst into laughter and at this point, and standing, the court clerk asked the judge if he could speak. “Judge”, he said, “I went to school with this lady, I’ve known her all my life and she’s telling the truth about not telling her age.” There was more laughter in the room as he continued, “I’ve got a good idea about how old she is, but I sure won’t tell.”

The judge called them both forward and they stood there side by side, the short, chubby old woman and the tall, handsome police officer. The judge studied them for a moment and then said, “It’s a good thing you both told the truth, because I happened to be standing on the sidewalk and witnessed your confrontation that day, and as far as I am concerned, you owe each other an apology.”

Grandma looked up, smiled, batted her eyelashes and said, “I’d just as soon kiss and make up if he would.”

The cop bent over, put his arm around her and planted one on her as the courtroom just exploded in laughter.

I was so jealous!

Readers Comments

HA! Didn't see that one
Submitted by Keith (not verified) on Wed, 2010-09-22 16:21.
HA! Didn't see that one coming. Great story (as always), Joyce, and good to find you online so I don't have to wait for the Press to be delivered way out here in Kingwood. Was good to make your acquaintance on Saturday and I hope to see you again real soon. My best, Keith
Holy Cow, that is hilarious.
Submitted by Laura St John (not verified) on Wed, 2010-09-22 16:20.
Holy Cow, that is hilarious. Joyce, you are a gem. XOXOXO!

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